If you didn’t know already, I am a stay-at home mom. Now you know. Feel free to despise me at will. Seriously, it seems that I get a fair amount of flack for my decision. Not always on a personal level, mind you (though yes, sometimes it is on a personal level). But there is a whole sub-section of society that does not respect the stay-at-home mom. Those that consider she is wasting her education, wasting her time, and probably spending her days baking cookies and watching soap operas.

My staying home was a choice Cedric and I made together. We, unlike many, are fortunate to have the choice. We feel it is the right thing for our family for one parent to stay home, at least during the formative years. It is not because I am inferior to Cedric that I do it. It is because he has the larger income, and because I am better suited to the job, ultimately.

Many American women do choose to stay at home or work part time, so at least I am among good company, despite the criticism of some. On the other hand, I have never felt more awkward about staying home than during our trip to France last September, While we were there, I was often asked “what are you doing nowadays?”, and “taking care of the baby” never seemed a good enough response. By the end of the trip, the question was making me uncomfortable. My impression was that staying home with the kids was for “les bourgeois” (old money, conservative, traditional values), and that I was definitely being judged for it. Of the women I met who had stayed home, many seemed to have an excuse, rather than saying it was a deliberate decision – “I had to stay home, he woke up so often at night I wouldn’t had been able to function!” or the popular “ The daycares/babysitters were all full.”

Consider this article I read in "Maman!" (Mommy!) magazine entitled "Jules ne veut pas que j’arrete de travailler!" (He doesn’t want me to stop working). Basically, the article outlines all the possible pitfalls of quitting work. For example "Notre compagnon peut avoir peur d’etre evince de sa place de pere, mais aussi que nous ne soyons plus que des ‘meres,’ et meme que nous virions carrement 'bobonne'!" (loosely: Our husbands could feel insecure in his role as a father (because we mothers spend more time with the baby), and that we are nothing more than just "mothers"…). One woman notes "Il est carrieriste, et prefer une femme active, qui se ‘bat’ pour son evolution personelle" (My husband is career oriented, and prefers a woman who fights for her personal evolution.) Ack! Does this sound progressive to you?

It all boils down to this – a woman must work outside of the home nowadays, or she is selling herself short. Somehow, I imagine that this is not what those who originally fought for women’s rights and equality had envisioned. Why is entering the workforce considered the very definition of success, so that this is the only way women will ever have equal footing with men? Why must we value career advancement more than our families? Look, I’m as ardent a feminist as the next liberal arts grad, but I don’t consider choosing my family over a paid job as a waste of my life and talents. Nothing could be more important than investing in the next generation. And I don’t think women are the only ones qualified to stay home, but that is another post in itself.

In the end, I think today’s woman faces nearly as much inequality as those who lived during the 19th century. Today’s woman is damned if she doesn’t work, and damned if she does. Those who do work, for example, often end up with a second shift of housework and care work, because research shows, husbands still take a considerably lesser role in those areas. Those who don’t work are labeled as brainless. It is obvious that we, as a global society, still have a long way to go in matters of women’s lib. Maybe we could start by changing our definition of success.

You are doing the hardest, most important, least respected, and most rewarding job you will ever have. Treasure every minute, even the rough ones.

Bravo! Making a choice to stay home is a sacrifice in its self, not to mention the lack of respect you subject yourself to by making a commitment to your family. Praise to you for having the courage, desire, and drive to look out for future generations, while suffering in the trenches because your a parent who is "out of the norm" in the 21st century. Just remind those who question you....that while they judge you for your choices, they should be thankful that someone like yourself decided to stay home and raise 'the working Mom's Children" or else there wouldn't be the "Working-Mom"

Love,
Mom

Your children will thank God that you endured the "shame" of staying at home to raise them.

I frequently told my wife while she was pregnant that being a stay at home mom was like being a manager, principal, teacher, chef wrapped into one. You will be directly responsible for perhaps the single greatest educational accomplishment in your child's life: teaching them how to speak.

Wear your stay at home mom title with great pride.

You can't please everyone. I am scorned at the playgroups for "abandoning" my child 2 DAYS A WEEK to the uncapable, germy hands of a substitute caregiver while I selfishly go and fulfill my need for a babyless change of scenery, not to mention money to pay for his education (ain't sending mine to public schools either, and if you've read this scentence, you'll know why). You do what's right for you, ya know?

That's just it, every family has to make a decision based on its own needs and circumstances. But it's never the right one, is it?

Ben, Jill, Mom.... Thanks for the supportive words.