The world record for sleep deprivation is held by Randy Gardner, who stayed awake 11 days to earn the title. According to the doctor who supervised the experiment, Gardner suffered repeated hallucinations due to lack of sleep. So maybe that explains why Jerry Garcia’s bears are dancing across my baby-food-encrusted dining room table right this moment. Or why Cedric seems to have sprouted a second head that bears a marked resemblance to my high school geometry teacher, and that keeps blathering on about the Pythagorean Theorem (I’ll explain this in another post perhaps). And that must be why the TV seems to be showing the president of the United States with a chainsaw, out in the wilderness cutting brush. Oh wait.

I think I may have one up on Randy Gardner, because I haven’t had a reasonable night’s sleep in seven months. The primary cause is the baby – he’s fond of waking up at all hours, in yet another effort to drive his parents insane.

But there is a secondary, more worrisome cause of my hallucinating mind. Even when Baby is sleeping (like that proverbial baby that was invented to make you feel like a worthless parent), I am often still awake. My mind wanders in all directions. I think of all the things I must do. All the things I must post on my website. The things I forgot to clean. The possible diseases that could kill me. How Cedric would remarry with some bimbo only after his money. Ha, the joke’s on you! There isn’t any! I would shout from beyond the grave. How I would haunt the both of them, Amityville style…

Yes, I am losing-my-mind tired, but I cannot sleep.

bcszj82a4gq689nr